Oh
by fuhwost
Summary: After Cory's defeat by the zombie forces of Clinton, Saru decides to launch an invasion against the new President of the America States, but Siemon Ayp will discover, things aren't all as they seem. Loosely based off a true story contains sin sfw birthday gift for ken, an amazing chef mild swearing
happy birthday ken, make sure you have a funeral prepared because this is so bad you will die

disclaimers; memes and discourse, ooc, donald trump, read at your own risk no im serious please read at your own risk this might turn ur body inside out it did to me ani m no h t ms a

'Basically, that's the plan.', Saru said, crouching down in a trench with his Second Stage Children Allies.

Fei groaned, gripping onto his helmet. 'Saryuu.. That's good and all, but ..'

Everyone ducked as a shell bombarded right above their ditch, spraying dirt everywhere. Fei grit his teeth.

 _'Could you have explained this earlier, before we decided to attack the White House?!'_ , he yelled.

Rubbing his nose, Saru grinned awkwardly. 'Oh, that's a fair point you make Fei. I'll promote you to deputy for that.', he said patting the green haired boys hair. 'Actually, it's all really just part of my master plan. I'm the emperor of Feida for a reason you know. Giris, load the cannons please.', he added dismissivly, crawling across to continue giving orders.

Fei sighed. _You must be wondering how this all came to be.. well.. it was a tuesday.._

'And I hereby pledge to protect this beautiful country and make America Great Again!', Donald Trump proclaimed, despite the mass boo's of his audience, with his hand on the Holy Bible.

Almost the entirity of Feida's elite had gathered, tightly into the living room to watch the election result in Vamfeny's cramp room (much to his chagrin). However, despite the mass of people, nobody had said a word.

They were all speechless.

'Called it.', Meia snorted, handwaving it off as some minor political uprest. 'I mean, it won't change anything, the President can't do much. I'm going to do my nails.'

Fei was too busy to pay attention. He too, did not give the Presidential canditate much thought, Feida was well away from the other countries, it behaved more like a hermit state if anything, El Dorado had specficailly allowed the SSC to keep their peace, in compliance with their mandatory injection, besides the occasion of inspections.

Vamfeny flicked his hair, absentmindedly playing idol games on his phone. 'A pity. I always had my eyes set on that Cruz fellow.. He had some form of charm seen in, oh how do I say it.. Killers, that's the one. He has that cold aura that sends a tingle down my-'

'I wish Rubio won, that guy's name sounds like a Scooby snack am I right guys?', Wolfram interjected, grinning wildly.

'Oh you know it!', Zanark responded, giving the Lunar Howl captain an enthusiastic fist bump.

'Why do I even bother..', Vamfeny sighed, strutting off to his room. Meanwhile, Saru was absolutely speechless, besides indeciphrable murmurs. He was gazing at the screen.

Fei waved his hand in front of his best friend's glazed eyes. 'Hey, everything okay in there?', he called. Fei tilted his head, _I didn't think Saryuu would have cared_ that _much.. America wasn't really that powerful after the economic collapse, why would it matter who's President?_

'Fei..', Saru mumbled, looking down at his lap. His voice was hard to tell, it was a mix between bitter defeat and cool victory. He became quite contradictory after the Ragnarok incident, not that anyone cared. Except Fei of course. Saru was his best friend and he always will be so-

'I'm gonna destroy the White House, arm the men.', he said abruptly, getting up and heading to his war room. 'Assemble everyone for immediate deployment!', he called back, raising a finger dramatically.

 _That's basically it.._

Bullets and shells wizzed past his head, centimetres (fuck the system) from his face.

'This really can't be happening can it?!', he turned to Zanark who was eating a corn cob. 'This is just some sick joke, some dumb dream! It's too insane! It's like a terrible plot for a fanfi-

 _munch._

Fei stared blankly.

 _munch_

'Huh? Oh, did you want some?', Zanark politely offered his half eaten corn, pushing it to Fei's nose.

Fei was allergic to corn.

He stood up, despite the mass of projectile's flinging around him, he stood tall and erect. He looked quite serene.

'You okay Bugs? I call you Bugs' because you remind me of a Bunny, hope you don't take it too personal, I spent all night thinking of that one, heh..', Zanark chuckled. But Fei had already long gone, carrying a rather bulky grenade launcher.

Vamfeny and Wolfram were hunched in their trench holes, Wolfram scribbling in a notebook furiously. 'Man! This notetaking stuff sure is hard when you can't read or write!'

 _Don't pay attention to him Vamfeny you might catch his stupid.._

It was quite a quaint site for Vamfeny, wartime had always been something he had missed. The screams and emotions of soldiers filled his cold, undead, asthmatic heart. It was something no 'My Chemical Romance' song could ever replicate. And of course, his 'battle buddy' as Saru so eloquently put, was this flea bitten gibbering oaf!

He gritted his teeth and raised his mouth to insult poor Wolfram for the tenth time this minute, before he was interrupted by Fei casually dragging the biggest weapon he had ever seen.

The two were perplexed. 'Um, Fei, deary, do you need a hand?', the vampire awkwardly asked.

'Yeah man, rabbit's aren't known for their bicep strength, lemme carry that for you!'

Fei ignored them, continueing to drag his weapon across the ditch.

The Excellar captains shrugged their solders. 'Oh well, it's nothing new people are frightened by my sheer personality..', Vamfeny mumbled, grinning vainly.

'Man maybe Edward's right.. do I smell like dogshit?', he murmured, sniffing his armpits.

'I need backup! Tango Charlie 5, Bob Down! Bob Down!', Saryuu cried into his flip phone. 'It's useless, the line's dead..', he cried, slumping down the ditch. 'Ghiris I'm an idiot.. I should have gone to war with Trump, do you see the size of that wall, it's hopeless..'

Girris wiped brain matter off his glasses, and pushed them tight to look smart. He cleared his throat, 'Actaully sir, the casualties on Trump's side is reported to be in the billions of thousands. When you remove all aspects of the Geneva Convention, weapons became marginally more efficient, to the point of total genocide against the enemies forces. I expect Vamfeny with air support to arrive soon to finish off the last of Trump's PMC.'

'Really?! That's fantastic! Excellent! I want Trump's head on a platter before sundown!', he cried, hugging Ghiris tightly. The boys blushed, awkardly. 'Uh.. no homo..', Saru coughed.

'Y-Yeah.. no homo.', Gillis responded looking away, pretending to duck from bullets. 'O-Oh look, a distra- I mean, Fei!'

Saru darted around looking for his friend. 'Hmm..- Oh! Hey m- OOF'

He fell to the ground, face full of dirt. 'Fei.. man wh- ah!', he cried, his shirt grabbed tightly and pulled close to Fei's face.

'Wanna know something funny?', Fei muttured darkly.

Saru gulped. 'Y-Yeah, I'm in the mood for laughs.. haha..'

But this was no laughing matter. An angry Fei was a scary Fei. 'Donald Trump has been dead for over 200 years. We were watching a rerun. What we're 'invading' in the memorial to Vladimir Putin's overthrow of his Presidential reign.'

Feida's normally not so stoic emperor felt his face flush red. 'Oh haha.. Uh,-'

He grabbed his phone and took a quick photo.

'April Fools! I mean, Happy birthday Fei this is all for you! I knew how much you loved death and destruction soo.. I put this entire thing together for you.' _Please buy it.. please buy it._

Fei blinked. He store plainly at Saru's face, who was sweating bullets. _How can one man be so stupid..?_ Fei thought. 'Wait.. who did we kill?'

 _munch._ 'I can answer that.', Zanark said, eating a fresh cob of corn. 'Corn people. Cleverly disgused corn people, hey call it eccentric, but you know what they say, the truth is stranger than fiction.'

Saru, 'Wait, didn't Gillis say, Billions of thousands, or something along those lines?'

'Actually.. I didn't say it, I just reported it. Never trust the news, morale of the story.', the bespeckled blonde said, busting into unecessary laughter.

Fei looked at Saru. 'Wanna go home?'

'Yeah.'

The two walked side by side into the sunset, admist all the chaos and mortar, and bullets and screams around them, the two felt oddly calm.

'This wasn't necessary at all wasn't it?'

'Nope.', Saru said bluntly.

'Do you even know who Donald Trump is?'

'He's the really old guy who's gonna pay for college right?'

'No.. that's Bernie Sanders, he drowned to death at Disneyland.', Fei muttured shaking his head.

Saru stopped.

'Oh.'

rip ken 2016


End file.
